ORTC Articles

What is enabling?

Enabling is helping someone avoid the natural consequences of bad behavior. Anyone who covers for an addict or removes him or her from the consequences of his or her use is enabling the addict’s behavior. Family members, friends, bosses, neighbors—lots of people fall into the enabling trap by thinking they are being helpful or empathetic. In fact, most enabling results from good intentions.

Family members often enable because they need and want to keep the household and family life operating as if everything were fine. To do this, they must block the consequences of the addict’s behavior as much as possible. Family members may cover for the addict, lie, and deny, all to avoid the shame they would feel if the outside world knew what was really happening inside their four walls.

If others enable you, will it slow your recovery?

Yes. The Big Book says to admit “to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” As a recovering person, you are called by this Fifth Step to realize and recall the negative consequences of your alcohol and other drug use. When others enable you, they protect you from feeling or seeing those consequences clearly. When consequences are blocked or minimized, the cause-and-effect method of learning appropriate, healthy behavior is absent. You are then able to continue with erratic, unpredictable, irresponsible, insane behavior because, to some extent, the path has been cleared for you to do so.

Enabling also allows deep anger and resentment to build within the family, in the workplace, or with friends. On one hand, the enabler eagerly rescues or helps the addict. On the other hand, the enabler may develop and harbor deep resentment at having to cover for someone else frequently. Feelings of self-pity and righteous anger build. The addict, however, is oblivious to the enabler’s growing resentment. Instead, he or she is completely focused on using and protecting the supply of chemicals.

Enabling happens in many ways. A critical first step to stop enabling behavior is to understand it. Once you know how you enable—and how you are enabled—you can take steps to change your thoughts and actions.

What are some ways you can avoid enabling others who have an active addiction?

As you move forward in your recovery, you are learning how important it is that you not enable others. You are learning to set new boundaries with those you love, asking them to hold you accountable for your actions.

At the same time, you may have people in your life who still have an active addiction. It is very important that you not “take on” these people and try to help them while you are still in early recovery. Doing so may set you up for a relapse.

Here are specific ways that you can avoid enabling others in active addiction:

Don’t . . .

• call in sick for the addict
• provide the addict with money or a place to stay
• provide excuses for the addict to avoid social events
• promise yourself that you “won’t put up with it” and then back down
• make excuses for the addict’s inappropriate behavior
• make excuses to yourself or others for the addict’s broken promises
• deny, rationalize, or minimize the problem either to yourself or others

Do . . .

• continue to stay in touch with extended family members, friends, neighbors, or anyone else who might have already figured out the problem
• talk to others about what’s happening
• continue to attend social events, outings, and other activities that are important to you
• find an Al-Anon group or other support group
• get family and/or couples counseling
• keep active with your own hobbies, interests, and friends

The best thing you can do for yourself and this person is to put some distance between you and him or her. Later, when you have more experience and time in recovery, you may be able to reach out and offer help. Until then, keep your distance and avoid enabling as much as you can.

Of course, it is even more difficult to do this when the person with the active addiction is a spouse or significant other. In this case, you must always put your sobriety first. It must be your highest priority. Seek counsel from your sponsor and others in your Twelve Step group. You may even want to consider removing yourself from the living situation, at least on a temporary basis, until your sobriety is stronger.

How can you help your family and friends quit enabling you?

While you were actively using, you may have had family and friends who enabled your use. It is important now to create new patterns of relating to one another that don’t involve enabling. Just as addicts or alcoholics need to focus on their recovery, friends and family need to focus on themselves and their growth.

Maintaining your recovery is a lifelong process that will challenge you spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Make sure you take time to laugh, play, and celebrate your successes. Laughter helps break tension and stress. It can help you maintain a healthy mental outlook and enjoy the ongoing journey of recovery. Laughter can also help you celebrate recovery and remind you how grateful you are for sobriety and for the priceless camaraderie of other people in Twelve Step programs.

What is Al-Anon?

Alcoholism is a disease that not only affects you, the alcoholic, but also your family and loved ones. While you are dealing with addiction, your family and friends need support just like you do. Lois W., the wife of Alcoholics Anonymous cofounder Bill W., recognized this and created Al-Anon in the 1940s for this very reason. Al-Anon is a Twelve Step fellowship that offers hope and help to families and friends of alcoholics. It doesn’t matter if the alcoholic is currently seeking help, is in recovery, or even admits that there is a problem. Family members or friends can still get help for themselves.

What is Alateen?

Alateen is for teenagers affected by alcoholism. It is sponsored by Al-Anon and operates the same way as Al-Anon does. If you have children who are teenagers, they might be more comfortable in this type of meeting than a regular Al-Anon group.

Can people attend Al-Anon if they are family or friends of drug addicts, not alcoholics?

There is an organization called Nar-Anon specifically for people affected by someone else’s drug use. However, Nar-Anon meetings aren’t as easy to locate as Al-Anon meetings. For this reason, many Al-Anon meetings welcome family and friends of drug addicts. The words “drug addict” can be substituted for “ alcoholic” when people are talking about their needs at a meeting.

Who attends meetings?

Parents, children, spouses, partners, siblings, other family members, friends, employers, employees, and co-workers of alcoholics attend Al-Anon meetings. All these people have something in common: their lives have been affected by someone else’s drinking.

Is Al-Anon for your family and friends? Think about it. You’ve made some pretty big changes in your life. It’s going to take some time for your family and friends to get used to the new you. Just as joining a Twelve Step group such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is a way to support your own sobriety, your friends and family members need support too. Al-Anon is a fellowship where your friends and family can interact with people who are in the same situation as they are—they are affected by someone else’s drinking.

Recovery Action Step

Invite friends or family members to an Al-Anon or Alateen meeting. If they attend the meeting, be sure to ask them what they thought of it. Be aware that, just as with the confidentiality you experience in AA, you should respect their desire for confidentiality as well.

What goes on at meetings?

Basically, Al-Anon or Alateen meetings use the same format as other Twelve Step meetings, such as AA or Narcotics Anonymous (NA). They are an anonymous fellowship where people are only recognized by their first names and last initial. They are usually held at churches or other public buildings.

Meetings typically open with an introduction to the Twelve Steps. The Twelve Steps are then recited by the group. Then a member may read one of the Twelve Traditions. The meeting begins after the Serenity Prayer is read.

People at meetings share their experiences. They do not lecture, preach, instruct, or advise others. Also, people do not interrupt each other when someone else is speaking. The meeting chair is the only exception; he or she may remind people to bring their sharing to a close.

Although there are no dues required, a basket is passed around. People can contribute any amount, although most people give a dollar or two. This money helps pay the room rent; buy coffee, snacks, and literature; and support the local and national offices of the fellowship.

How can you locate a meeting?

Contact Al- Anon, Nar-Anon, or Alateen by phone or check their website to find a meeting in your area. You may also try the white pages in your local phone book.

What are sexually transmitted diseases?

Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are infections that are spread from person to person through sexual contact. These infections are often spread through blood, semen, urine, and vaginal fluids. Many STDs can be cured or managed if treated early. If not treated early, some STDs can cause severe and permanent damage, including blindness, sterility, heart disease, or even death. Examples of a few STDs include gonorrhea, HIV/AIDS, syphilis, chlamydia, and genital herpes.

Are people under the influence of drugs at higher risk for STDs?

Research has shown that people addicted to alcohol or other drugs are more likely than the general population to contract HIV (the human immunodeficiency virus that causes AIDS). This is because alcohol and drug addiction is often associated with high-risk sexual behaviors and can be associated with injection drug use, which are two major modes of HIV transmission.

A history of heavy alcohol use has been correlated with a lifetime tendency toward high-risk sexual behaviors, including multiple sex partners, unprotected intercourse, sex with high-risk partners (such as injection drug users or prostitutes), and the exchange of sex for money or drugs. Alcohol acts directly on the brain, reducing inhibitions and diminishing risk perception.

Why are adolescents and young adults at higher risk for STDs?

Adolescents and young adults are more likely than older adults to engage in unprotected sexual intercourse. They are also more likely to select partners who are at higher risk for STDs. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), females fifteen to nineteen years old have the highest rates of gonorrhea, while twenty- to twenty-four-year-olds have the highest rate of primary and secondary syphilis.

Substance use among adolescents is associated with early sexual activity, an important factor in the prevalence of STDs and HIV infection. The use of substances combined with sexual activity significantly decreases the likelihood that a condom will be used during sex. Substance use also can decrease an individual’s discrimination in choosing sex partners and can increase the number of partners and the likelihood of risky sexual practices (including anal intercourse), thereby heightening the risk of STDs

How can you lower your risk for STDs?

One way is to stay clean and sober. A relapse could put you in a position to engage in high-risk behaviors that could result in an STD. Another important way you can lower your risk is to limit your number of sex partners. The more partners you have, the higher the risk for becoming infected. If you do have regular sexual contact, consider following these guidelines to lower your risk:

Guidelines for lowering your STD risk

• Stay clean and sober. Be aware that a relapse could put you in a position to engage in high-risk behaviors.
• Don’t ever share needles, syringes, or other equipment (“works”) for any use. STDs from an infected person can stay in a needle and then be injected directly into the next person who uses the needle.
• Abstain from sexual intercourse, or engage in a mutually monogamous relationship with a partner who has been tested for STDs, including the HIV virus. (The more sex partners you have, the greater your chances of getting diseases passed through sex.)
• If your sexual behaviors place you at risk for STDs, correct and consistent use of the male latex condom can reduce the risk of transmission of some STDs. However, no protective method is 100 percent effective, and condom use cannot guarantee absolute protection against any STD.
• Don’t share razors or toothbrushes because of the possibility of contact with blood.

Where can you get more STD information or counseling?

To find out where to go in your area for STD counseling and testing, contact your local health department or the CDC National AIDS Hotline.

For more information about STD education and prevention, contact the American Red Cross.

What are some of the slogans of the Twelve Step program?

If you have been to Twelve Step meetings you probably have heard some or all of these slogans before. Take a few minutes now to really think about what each one means.

One day at a time

Recovery is a journey to be taken one step at a time. The goal is to avoid taking the first drink or first hit, and to stay sober one day at a time.

First things first

If you don’t stay sober, nothing else will matter. Your first commitment must be sobriety. This means being prepared to make whatever hard decisions are necessary in order to stay clean and sober at least for today.

Easy does it

Avoid taking on too much at once—especially during early recovery.

Live and let live

We must all live our own truth and, in the end, travel our own unique and sometimes painful path in life. As recovering people, we most focus our energies on living our lives to the fullest, not on controlling someone else’s path or judging their progress.

Let go and let God

Some things cannot be accomplished by human power alone. When you’ve done all that you can, ask your Higher Power to help do the rest.

Accept life on life’s terms

Acknowledge reality, and learn to embrace your life as it is. Life is the way life is. But you are changeable.

Progress, not perfection

The goal is to make progress, not to achieve perfection. Trying to reach perfection is trying to do the impossible. Remember, perfectionism stands in the way of maturity, emotional balance, and spiritual growth.

This too shall pass

Everything in life is temporary. Change is the only thing that’s permanent. Live in the moment and enjoy life to the fullest. Don’t let momentary setbacks, pain, or crises keep you from staying sober.

Turn it over

Turning over your will and your life to your Higher Power means asking for your Higher Power’s guidance. Give up control and turn it over to your Higher Power instead.

Go with the flow

When you go with the flow, you practice acceptance and bring your will in line with your Higher Power’s.

Keep it simple

This is a reminder not to complicate matters. It helps the alcoholic or addict to focus on staying sober and not become distracted by unimportant issues. It’s also a reminder that all problems don’t need to be solved at once.

What is the Big Book?

Established in 1935, Alcoholics Anonymous is a society of men and women who have joined together to help each other recover from alcoholism. Members come from many different racial and religious backgrounds, have a desire to overcome their alcohol abuse problems, attend local AA groups, and do not pay fees. Today, there are over two million people in Alcoholics Anonymous.

The Big Book—actually a nickname for the book titled Alcoholics Anonymous—is the core text of the AA organization. It contains personal stories from recovering alcoholics. The first edition, written at a time when the society’s membership totaled one hundred people, was released in 1939. Since then three other editions have been published, and the book has been translated into over forty languages.

Why is the Big Book important to recovery?

The Big Book offers personal stories of inspiration, experience, strength, and hope from other AA members who are recovering from alcoholism. It contains the Twelve Steps—an outline that guides alcoholics through the basic principles of the recovery process. The Big Book also addresses family members of alcoholics, giving them advice on how to deal with their loved one’s addiction.

The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

How should you use the Big Book?

As addicts, we didn’t know how to live sober. We bounced through life going from one high to another, acting as if we were in control. The Twelve Steps offer us a new way of life and give us a basic guide on how to approach lifelong recovery. Use the Big Book to learn and work the Steps. Revisit your Big Book whenever you need inspiration. Remember, for over fifty years, these same Steps have guided millions of people to fight the disease of addiction with hope and spiritual guidance, rather than to live in quiet desperation.

Depending on where you are in working the Twelve Steps, you might want to look up Big Book topics on spirituality, forgiveness, or making amends. Whenever you need guidance or hope, make it a habit to call your sponsor and read your Big Book. Other recovering people are always available to help you on the journey of recovery.

Web resources

Alcoholics Anonymous

The official website of Alcoholics Anonymous provides information on where to find AA groups in your area, a survey to help you determine whether you have problems with alcohol, and general facts about the organization.

Responsibility

Most addicts and alcoholics have been running from responsibility for years. For many, this behavior was reinforced by family members and loved ones enabling them. With sobriety comes responsibility: for your feelings, your actions, and your own recovery.

How can taking responsibility affect your recovery?

Working Step Four will help you take responsibility for who you’ve been, who you are, and who you’d like to be in the future. In short, it asks you to take stock of your personality traits and examine them honestly and fearlessly so you can be rid of the shame, guilt, and remorse that have been blocking you from being your best self, personally and spiritually. Taking responsibility will also help you stop blaming others and start looking inward to take responsibility for your life.

Page 64 of the Big Book says,

Though our decision [Step Three] was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in our- selves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symp- tom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.

Taking responsibility may cause you to relive some awkward, hurtful moments in your life. If you were the victim of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, of course you can’t be held responsible for those acts. But you’ll still need to work hard to let go of the pain and resentment. Even a justifiable resentment can slowly kill you. Look at how you may have damaged yourself in response to that abuse. Talk to your sponsor, your counselor, or others in recovery about your feelings. Remember, working the Steps is not about others making amends or understanding, it’s about your recovery.

Don’t be afraid to seek help from others, such as your counselor, sponsor, or other recovering people. You don’t want to set yourself up for a return to chemical use. Stay connected with your support system. Talking to others can provide helpful feedback. You may have distorted images of yourself or fail to identify both positive and negative traits. Others who know you can often give accurate and much-needed insight while you are completing your inventory.

In addition to working Step Four, you can take responsibility in many other ways. Be responsible to attend Twelve Step meetings, spend time with your sponsor, and connect with your Higher Power. These are all needed to sustain an active recovery program. It’s not your sponsor’s responsibility to get you to meetings or to make you work your program. It’s yours.

You may also be struggling with the fact that people don’t yet trust the new you. Words won’t convince them that your recovery is for real, but your actions will. If you take responsibility and do what you say you’re going to do, people will begin to learn that they can trust you. Being responsible builds others’ confidence in you. People will take your recovery seriously when they see that you are serious about your commitments to them.