ORTC Articles

What problems do Jewish alcoholics face in recovery?

Alcoholism is universal, yet some in the Jewish community hold that substance use disorders are not a problem among Jews. This myth is now fading, but still, some Jewish families may hesitate to expose their troubles, to appear to fall short of a high community standard. Shame and guilt may compound the denial problem. These factors can cause some to feel isolated and to neglect seeking help and support—despite the fact that Judaism has such a strong ethic of service and solidarity.

Moreover, some Jewish people believe that the Twelve Steps are not com- patible with Judaism, when, in fact, many aspects of the Steps are very similar to Jewish teachings. Another stumbling block: Alcoholics Anonymous meetings are often held in churches, which may initially be a problem for those of non- Christian faiths. However, AA meetings today can also be found in synagogues as well as in secular settings.

How can you maintain your ongoing recovery?

Alcoholism is not a failure of moral character or willpower. It is a disease. It is not something to be ashamed of, but a disease to be taken care of, much like you would take care of diabetes. Addiction happens to people from all backgrounds and walks of life. Although people in your Twelve Step program may not share your faith and ethnicity, they do share the common story of struggling with addiction. Look for the common ground you have with others rather than seeing the differences.

Try to find a sponsor and a recovery support system of people that you feel safe with, that you can relate to. You may want to join an organization such as Jewish Alcoholics, Chemically Dependent Persons, and Significant Others (JACS). This organization provides a comfortable environment for Jewish alcoholics to seek recovery, and it supplements programs such as the Twelve Steps with Jewish teachings and traditions.

You’ve worked hard in early recovery; now it’s time to protect and plan for your ongoing recovery. Remember to work the Steps, utilize your sponsor and sober friends for support, and go to meetings; these things will help you develop and maintain a healthy, happy outlook and enjoy the freedom and peace of sobriety.

Web resources

Jewish Alcoholics, Chemically Dependent Persons, and Significant Others (JACS) JACS is a part of the Jewish Board of Family and Children’s Services. The JACS website provides articles on alcoholism written by rabbis, links to other sites about alcohol use disorders, and meeting locations.

What if you don’t believe in God?

Agnostics, atheists, or anyone who doesn’t agree with a religious-based idea of God can substitute the concept of a Higher Power. Your idea of a Higher Power that you can trust will be uniquely your own. Some people may call their Higher Power God. For others it is the inherent greatness of nature and the universe. Some people put their faith in the collective energy of their Twelve Step group—for them the group is their Higher Power. A belief in God or religion is not necessary. What is necessary is grasping the truth that our own human power (self-will) has proven ineffective against this disease. Step One acknowledges our dire need to tap into a Higher Power to recover.

Agnostics typically believe that we should all think out our own standards of conduct for ourselves. If you are an agnostic in recovery, you can work Step Two by understanding that you need strengths beyond your own awareness and resources to restore you to sanity. You can work Step Three by making a decision to entrust your will and your life to the care of the collective wisdom and resources of those who have searched before you and found recovery.

If you’re like many people in early recovery, you haven’t defined your Higher Power yet. That’s okay; you don’t have to know who or what your Higher Power is right now—you just need to know that you aren’t it.

Why do you need a Higher Power?

The Twelve Steps teach us that the way to lifelong recovery is to give up self-reliance and willpower, instead relying on God or a Higher Power. Step Two, “We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity,” encourages us to find our own idea of God as a Higher Power to guide us. This allows us to remove ourselves from an ego-centered position in the world.

Step Two teaches us that addiction is the by-product of a spiritual problem that requires a spiritual solution. This means you need the help of others; you don’t have all the answers. For a lifetime of recovery, you will need to find a Higher Power, a loving, guiding power you can really trust.

Why do you need to let go of self-will and self-reliance?

Some people say that Twelve Step programs are more difficult for intelligent, inquiring people because these people are used to being completely self-directed, self-actualizing, and self-reliant. But remember, it was our best thinking that got us into our destructive addiction to drugs and/or alcohol. Living in recovery requires us to follow the suggestions of those with recovery experience. The Twelve Steps don’t ask you to quit thinking critically. To the contrary, the Twelve Steps demand rigorous thinking, honest self-knowledge, and a deep commitment to looking beyond our own self-destructive will. The journey of recovery asks our willingness to take responsibility and accept reality. It demands that we avoid reliance on the superficial, magical beliefs (“stinking thinking”) that kept us in our addiction.

How can your expectations affect your recovery?

Achieving a state of acceptance and letting go of expectations can be recovery’s most difficult and painful challenge, one that many of us face time and again at various points in our lives. Acceptance means letting go of our judgments and expectations, which often prevent us from accepting ourselves and others willingly. Rather than continuing to wish that our circumstances were different, or thinking that we know better than those around us, we come to acceptance when we come to terms with ourselves and others.

When Beth first started going through treatment, she couldn’t talk about her experience of being sexually abused as a child. For years, she had kept her feelings and thoughts clenched in her heart like a fist. Then she started writing. At first, the words poured out in great waves onto the pages of her journal. Over time, she began to notice how each sentence and each page brought greater release and distance from the pain she had borne in silence for so many years. Her painful childhood began to lose its power and stranglehold on her and her life.

Journaling, in conjunction with therapy or other help, can help you bridge your inner and outer worlds and connect with a path of action and reflection. Writing is sorting. Writing gives you a way to respect your mind, choose and harness your thoughts, interact with and change who you think you are. That is what a spiritual journey is—it’s a major change, over time, of your self-identity. This is followed by a corresponding change in what you believe you are capable of achieving.

While keeping a journal or recording your feelings is not a substitute for therapy or treatment, writing can measurably improve your health. Researchers theorize that journaling is effective because it lets people synthesize and make sense of their experiences.

In early Twelve Step recovery, you were encouraged to tell your story as a way to openly and honestly acknowledge your powerlessness over addiction. As you worked the Steps, your story unfolded further as you took stock of yourself and your behavior. Because it accepts your truths and stories without judgment, a journal can be a valuable tool during this introspective process.

Recording your truths and feelings in a journal will better prepare you to interact honestly with others in mutual self-help groups, in your family, and in all other aspects of your life.

How do you start to keep a journal?

There is no right or wrong way to keep a journal. It may be helpful for you to simply sit down with pen and paper, or at the computer, and make a contract with yourself to write for at least five or ten minutes. If you need to, set a timer to verify that you’ve accomplished your daily writing goal.

Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, or whether or not your writing makes sense. Just write. Sometimes it helps to use a repetitive phrase such as “I used to _____________, but now I ___________.” List whatever comes to mind.

You don’t have to stay with the original sentence or subject. Follow your thoughts and write about wherever they lead you. A journal isn’t just a negative dumping ground. It is a place to record positive thoughts as well. You may want to consider recording blessings from each day. Each night before you go to bed, list the gifts you were given that day: the quality of light on a cloudy day, the friendly clerk at the grocery store, the laughter of a child, or anything else that made your heart lighter, even for a moment. This is a great way to fall asleep with what recovering people call “an attitude of gratitude.”

Keeping a journal makes good sense for those who participate in Twelve Step recovery programs. Letting go and turning over what you cannot change, changing what you can, acknowledging your weaknesses, and celebrating your joys are all integral aspects of Twelve Step recovery. A journal is a safe place where you can record those changes, let go of your fears, and express confusion, anger, doubt, remorse, and joy. A journal is a constant friend that accepts your negative and positive feelings unconditionally. It is also a place where you can chart your growth, step by step.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism is not the healthy pursuit of excellence; it’s the consistent expectation that we meet unrealistically high standards. It’s impossible to always do our best, and holding ourselves to a constant standard of perfection will only lead to frustration and low self-esteem. Perfectionism is a common problem. If you can’t stand mistakes and consistently hold unrealistic standards for yourself and others, you probably have perfectionist tendencies. If issues of perfectionism aren’t addressed, they can inhibit your recovery.

Who are perfectionists?

In general, perfectionists settle for no less than the very highest standards
of performance both from themselves and others. In this way they differ from people who strive for excellence in healthy ways by taking pleasure in pursuing their goals.

Bill W., cofounder of AA, once described alcoholics as “all or nothing” people. We know from decades of recovery studies that the addict’s central problem is “self-will run riot.” Bill W. saw that alcoholics often try to overcome their personal limitations by playing God. This behavior results in more problems because people can’t “will” themselves perfect. Constant perfection is an unattainable goal.

What does perfectionism have to do with your recovery?

If you believe you should be perfect, you’ll have a very strong desire to try to control your addiction with sheer willpower—and decades of experience tell us this won’t work. Your will is not enough; you must look outside yourself for the help you need to preserve your ongoing recovery.

Step Three requires us to surrender our will and control to our Higher Power. We must be willing to accept the fact that we have limitations and that we need help to succeed in our recovery.

Judging ourselves

If your character includes a perfectionistic streak, you may also be more vulnerable and sensitive to the opinions and criticism of others. If you learned early in life that others valued you because of how much you achieved, or how smart, successful, or popular you were, you may have learned to judge yourself critically, based on external standards. You may even see yourself as worthless if you don’t achieve your goals.

If you think that you must be perfect to be acceptable to yourself and others, then you’ll add loads of unnecessary stress and anxiety to your life. Most people don’t judge us as harshly as we judge ourselves. We can reduce our stress by choosing to think, “I don’t need approval from everyone all the time. It’s okay for me to make mistakes, though I prefer not to. Mistakes are an opportunity to learn and improve.”

Think about success in a different way. If you are handling yourself with integrity and honesty, and are putting all your positive energy into something, then take pride in the journey. Don’t let anxiety and worry about the “what-if ’s” stress you out. You might want to join a new AA group or a book or movie club, but you have fears that you might stutter or look foolish, and then people won’t like you. You might procrastinate about showing up for a meeting for fear of failure: will you be smart enough and meet others’ expectations? Realize that it’s all right if you make a few mistakes. You don’t have to be better than everyone else all the time. We are all works in progress, and we’re all in different stages of our lives.

Judging others

Perfectionists don’t just demand perfection from themselves, they also have high demands from the world and all the people in it. As perfectionists, we will try to control people and events, and then become frustrated when things occur that are beyond our command. We may even feel a compulsion to control others and improve them to meet our standards of excellence or achievement. This is a self-defeating behavior that limits our relationships with others. If our expectations are always unrealistically high, we become intolerant of others’ mistakes. This leaves us stressed and disappointed and makes others feel unaccepted and judged.

Will the twelve steps help you with perfectionism?

The Twelve Steps teach us to accept our limitations as imperfect human beings. Accepting ourselves and others is critical to our recovery. To truly recover we need to see ourselves for who we are, let go of our ego and pride, and reach out to others for help. None of this can happen when we are pursuing our own will instead of listening to our Higher Power.

What can you do about perfectionism?

If you cling to perfectionism in your recovery it could set you up for relapse. For example, you may think that your abstinence should be perfect, and anything less means that you, as a person, are a total failure.

To begin, you’ll need to challenge the self-defeating thoughts and behaviors that fuel perfectionism. These strategies may help:

1. set realistic and reachable goals based on your own wants and needs. Make sure the goals are reasonable by measuring them against your past achievements and performance when you were at your best. As you reach one goal, then you can set the next goal at a higher level. Setting realistic goals will lead to a greater sense of achievement and self-esteem.
2. rethink your idea of success. Think about any goal you would love to achieve. Instead of being dissatisfied with anything less than your ultimate idea of success, think about how significant it is to achieve even 50 percent of your goal. Give yourself some credit for the smaller successes—as long as you are achieving steps along the way to your goal, you’re succeeding.
3. enjoy the journey. Think about success not only as achieving grand goals, but respect the energy, integrity, and time that you dedicate to your journey along the way.
4. recognize the power of mistakes. Mistakes are a great opportunity to learn. Think of a recent mistake you have made and list what you learned from it.
5. confront your fears. Many of us who are perfectionists are afraid that we don’t stack up against expectations—our own or others’. Give yourself a reality check by asking, “Have I set up impossible expectations for myself?” “What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that could happen?”

Can celebrations and holidays threaten your recovery?

Celebrations and holidays are often a hard time for people in recovery because they can expose you to these triggers and situations:

• alcohol or other drugs, which may be present
• increased stress
• heightened emotions
• free time without structure
• lack of access or limited access to your sponsor or recovery support group
• stress about money or finances

How can you protect your recovery during celebrations?

Talk to your sponsor and lay out a plan for coping with celebration triggers. Some of us try to take shortcuts or don’t make our recovery the priority. It’s easy to become busy or overconfident. We forget that without abstinence from alcohol or other drugs we will lose all the things that are valuable in our lives.

Recovery Action Step

Take another recovering person with you for support during the celebration. Having someone there who understands your fears and urges is important. It keeps you accountable.

Recovery Action Step

Talk to your sponsor or recovery support group. Make a relapse prevention plan to handle the triggers that you might encounter during celebrations and holidays.

Let your sponsor know if you may be in a tough situation during an upcoming work party or at a Christmas dinner. Make sure you have a way to leave the party or celebration if you feel your recovery is threatened.

Personal Recovery Story

“My friend Brian and I were both planning to go to a Halloween party thrown by our mutual friends. I’m in early recovery, so before the event I told Brian that I wasn’t sure how I would react to being around an open bar where beer and wine were served. We discussed the situation and decided that we would drive separately so that I could leave if I needed to.

“I wanted some extra support, so I brought another recovering person with me to the party. And I brought the phone number of my sponsor—just in case I needed someone else to help me and keep me accountable.”

—Sarah, in recovery from alcohol addiction, sober for seven months

Where did the Twelve Steps come from?

Until 1934 there was no known addiction treatment that worked. Later that year Bill W. and Dr. Bob started a group called Alcoholics Anonymous and eventually wrote the Twelve Steps to offer simple, straightforward principles, or basic truths, that people can follow to recover from addiction.

The Twelve Steps express the fundamental principles used by members of AA to transform their lives from moral decay and certain death to a spiritual fitness needed to keep the disease of addiction at bay.

Steps 1–3 (preparation steps)

The first three Steps prepare you for change. They help you focus on under- standing your disease and knowing and seeking the solution.

Steps 4–9 (transformation steps)

Once you know the problem and the solution, you need to take action. By following these six Steps, you will begin to see your life transformed.

Steps 10–12 (continued transformation steps)

Recovery is a lifelong journey. These three Steps focus on actions you can take to continue your growth and maintain the success you have achieved day by day for a lifetime.

What are the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous?

As addicts, we didn’t know how to live sober. We’ve bounced through life going from one high to another, acting as if we were in control. The Twelve Steps, which follow, offer us a new way of life and give us a basic guide on how to approach lifelong recovery.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

What are feelings?

A feeling is an emotional state or reaction. It’s a subjective response to a situation person, or thing. Feelings involve both mental and physical responses: think of how you sense pain or pleasure.

Feelings are neither good nor bad; they just are. Our bodies and minds respond to the world, in large part, through our feelings. All feelings are legitimate. The issue isn’t what feelings should we have, but what is the best way to handle them?

For example, anger can help us if we recognize it as a signal that something is wrong. But it can also be a harmful feeling if we act out our anger in violent or inappropriate ways.

For people in recovery, feelings can often be a minefield of potential problems if we don’t handle them in positive ways. Feelings that are not handled appropriately can feed into a negative cycle—I feel bad, so I use substances or binge in other ways, then I feel badly about my behavior, which leads me to use or binge again.

In early recovery your emotions can seem overwhelming at times. You may feel anger, grief, resentment, loneliness, or pain. In the past you may have covered these feelings up with alcohol or drugs. Now, without the chemicals, these emotions may come flooding in on you.

This is common for many in early recovery. Over time these emotions should subside and take on a more normal level in your life.

But others in early recovery may realize that they’re out of touch with their true feelings, and that identifying them is difficult. Awareness is the first step toward addressing this issue. You may want to seek out counseling during this time to help you work through these feelings.

As you work your recovery program, you will come to see emotions as a gift: they help you express yourself to the world.

How are thoughts, feelings, and behavior intertwined?

Often your thoughts or beliefs influence your feelings, which then influence your actions. For example, if you allow yourself to think, “I’ll never be able to stay sober for the rest of my life,” the thought may lead you to feel overwhelmed, depressed, and discouraged. Those feelings may then lead you to take actions that harm your sobriety—like resuming use.

If, instead, you think, “I won’t worry about my whole life, I’ll focus only on staying sober today,” you may feel very different, perhaps even hopeful or contented. These feelings will most likely lead to actions that support your sobriety. This simple shift in thinking can produce great changes in behavior.

Just as thoughts can influence your feelings and actions, the reverse is also true. Your actions can influence how you feel and think. For example, if you are feeling depressed and thinking discouraging thoughts about your recovery, you can take action. Get up off the couch and go to a meeting, call a friend in recovery, or spend time meditating and connecting with your Higher Power. By taking proactive steps you will change how you feel and think about your situation. This is known in Alcoholics Anonymous as “Fake it till you make it.”

How can feelings affect your journey of recovery?

You are not at the mercy of your emotions. It is important to acknowledge and identify them, but they don’t need to rule your life. You can take steps to influence how you feel by challenging your thinking and changing your behavior.

Twelve Step members have long recognized a strong tie between feelings and substance use disorders. Throughout human history, substance users have used mood-altering chemicals to feel pleasure, mask pain, and/or enhance a mood. A drink or two can lower our inhibitions to the point where we express feelings we wouldn’t otherwise share. If we feel too much or too little, we may overreact or under-react. Feelings that are incorrectly identified or understood in a distorted way lead to inappropriate behavior—which leads to more negative thoughts and actions in a cycle that feeds upon itself.

How can you learn to identify your feelings?

Though it may sound easy, naming feelings is not simple for addicts. After years of ignoring feelings, denying them, hiding them, or lying about them, you may have a distorted view of them. It may take effort to pinpoint your real feelings.

One way to aid this exploration is to keep a daily journal of your feelings. Go beyond basic emotions such as sad, mad, glad, and afraid. When did you feel anxious, peaceful, excited, or tired? If it helps, do this exercise with another person. Take turns talking about your feelings that day. In the beginning, as you are experiencing feelings, you may need to talk with someone objective. This may help you accurately identify your feelings with your experiences.

What are some positive ways to handle feelings?

You can write down your problems and emotions in a journal. Over time, you may discover why you feel a certain way; in other words, you may identify the source of your feelings. Perhaps your feelings are based on an irrational belief system or unfounded fears. If you see a trend in your emotions—for instance, if you always feel sad—you may want to seek outside support to help you deal with your emotions in a positive way. Praying and meditating might also help you to understand your feelings.

Recovery Action Step

Name the ways you are feeling right now. Use your journal as a place to record your response to the following:

1. Write down words that describe how you are feeling now.

2. Think back over the past week. Were there times that you remember experiencing very strong feelings? Name those feelings and record them in your journal.

3. Think about your life during the past few years. Are there just one or two feelings that you experience frequently? Record those feelings in your journal.

4. Are there a couple of feelings that you would like to feel less often? Record those feelings in your journal.

I am feeling:

Afraid                              Angry                                 Annoyed

Betrayed                         Caring                                Competent

Complete                        Confident                          Delighted

Dependent                     Despairing                        Discouraged

Distant                            Eager                                 Encouraged

Envious                           Excited                              Fearful

Frightened                      Fulfilled                            Giving

Glad                                 Grateful                             Grief stricken

Guilty                              Happy                                Hesitant

Hopeful                          Hostile                               Hurt

Immobilized                  Impatient                          Inadequate

Irritated                          Isolated                             Jealous

Joyful                              Lonely                                Loving

Mad                                 Optimistic                         Overwhelmed

Patient                            Pessimistic                        Pitiful

Proud                              Rageful                              Regretful

Resentful                        Revengeful                       Sad

Scared                             Shameful                          Strong

Sympathetic                  Tender                               Trusting

Untrusting                     Unwanted                         Useless

Vulnerable                     Wanted                              Warm

Wary                               Weak

Realize that it is okay to feel a certain way, but that you should think about your feelings before reacting to them. Though you should analyze your feelings before you react, you should also not ignore your feelings. Ignoring your feelings can later result in physical illness, stress, overeating, and other difficulties. In addition, these feelings will keep coming back—meaning that relief from repressed feelings is only temporary.

Confronting your feelings can be painful at first, but you can also learn and grow from the situation. You can share your feelings with a trusted friend or relative, or seek the help of a counselor if needed. Support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous can also be beneficial for helping you deal with your newfound feelings. Don’t allow shame based on past actions to keep you from expressing your thoughts and feelings with others: be open and honest.

Another important skill to learn in expressing your emotions is using “I” statements. Instead of saying, “You made me mad because _____,” take responsibility for your own feelings and say, “I feel mad because _____.” No one can make you feel anything. Focusing on how you feel about a situation, instead of blaming others, is a powerful way to take care of yourself.

What is HALT?

A useful tool for those in recovery, the word “HALT” is our cue to ask ourselves if we are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Any one of these feelings can lead us to incorrect, inappropriate, or just plain “stinking” thinking. If you experience several together, you could be headed for real trouble. Try to develop an extra sensitivity to HALT feelings; when the red flag goes up, eat, rest, or talk with your sponsor or a good friend.

What is remorse?

You may feel remorse for things you have done wrong. Remorse is often caused by feelings of regret over the past, guilt or shame about past behaviors, or feeling sorry for hurts you caused to your loved ones and others you know.

Remorse can be healthy when you honestly look at the past and how your drinking and/or using impacted others, and you use that feeling to make personal changes that prevent repeating those patterns.

But we feel unhealthy remorse when we get stuck in regrets, we find it impossible to forgive ourselves or others, or we make no effort to change our attitudes and actions so we don’t hurt ourselves or others in the future. That kind of remorse is wasted energy. Remorse should motivate us to a positive good, not keep us stuck in a negative past.

How can remorse affect your recovery?

If you don’t adequately address your feelings of guilt, shame, or remorse, it could lead to telling lies to cover up what you’ve done. Though a burden, you can do something positive with remorse—admit the wrong, apologize for it, and take corrective action to make things right.

Those who aren’t addicted may have a few things to feel remorseful about, but it typically ends there. However, for alcoholics and other addicts, who have done many negative things in the past and who struggle mightily with feelings of inferiority, it takes only a slight prompting to sink into deep feelings of shame and guilt.

To turn your remorse into a positive element in your life and in the lives
of others, work the Steps. Step Four advises you to “make a searching and fearless moral inventory” of yourself. Step Five says we “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” Working the Fourth and Fifth Steps will help you deal with remorse, shame, and guilt by helping you take responsibility for your actions and accept yourself and others.

What a heavy load remorse puts on your shoulders! What a terrible mental punishment it is to feel ashamed of the things you’ve said and done! You may feel afraid to face people because of what they might say to you. You might feel afraid of the consequences of things you did when you were drunk. What an awful beating the mind takes! When you come into AA, that terrible load of remorse falls from your shoulders.

What is resentment?

Resentment comes from unresolved anger, which is especially detrimental to addicts—it can be fatal. Resentment grows out of a belief that you have been wronged. Maybe you’re still holding on to an old insult, or you’re mad that you made compromises for someone that caused you pain or misfortune. You may feel cheated because someone else got something you wanted, such as love, attention, or financial or social success. Maybe your relationship with someone caused you to lose something important to you. Whatever the reason, you may store up this resentment and anger against others, which only leaves you feeling bitter. Resentment will eventually crowd out your other feelings, such as joy, compassion, and happiness, leaving you without serenity and peace.

Feeling miserable like this long enough can make you feel righteous and justified in seeking revenge. This may mean getting drunk just to get back at someone who hurt you. But this philosophy doesn’t work. It’s like punching yourself in the stomach to get back at someone else.

Ultimately, resentment hurts you more than anybody else.

When you hold on to resentment, you are adopting a “poison me to hurt you” philosophy. But it doesn’t work. Holding on to resentment will only hurt you and make you miserable. It won’t affect the people whom you resent.

How can resentment threaten your recovery?

The unresolved anger that leads to resentment is a major cause of relapse and eventual return to chemical use. This is because resentment will block you from the spirituality necessary to continue building your ongoing recovery. Feelings of anger, hatred, and revenge will only consume your thoughts, trapping you in a life of rage and hurt. The only way out is to let go of hate, anger, and resentment, replacing those things with spirituality, peace, and compassion. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary to your well-being and your ongoing recovery.

Many people in early recovery have blamed a relapse or return to use on the mistreatment of a lover or spouse. But no one can cause your return to active addiction—you do this to yourself by using resentment to justify your use of alcohol and other drugs.

You can’t always control what others do to you—but you can control how you respond.

Make sure you let your Higher Power guide your choices. Allow yourself the opportunity to feel peace, compassion, and freedom.

How does resentment grow?

John is slowly building resentment toward his wife, Linda. He wonders, “Does she really love me? How important am I to her? Does she care about me at all?” These doubts slowly eat away at the relationship, while John feels hurt, offended, and wronged. Instead of communicating these feelings, John pushes them down inside. He’s too proud to tell Linda how hurt and insecure he feels. John thinks that if Linda really cared about him, she would intuitively understand what he’s going through. She would show him more affection, empathy, and understanding.

It’s easy for John to grow resentful because he feels like a victim that has been wronged. He feels justified in binge drinking. He thinks that all he can do is wait for Linda to make things “right” between them.

The truth is that you can wait forever for people to apologize or make amends. But often others don’t even know how you feel; they may not realize or understand the problem. That’s why the burden is upon you to take actions to heal your resentment.

How can you let go of resentment?

If you want to preserve your recovery, let go of resentment as soon as it starts to build. Close your eyes, visualize the person you resent, and picture that person bathed in compassion. If you can’t do this, try some objective reasoning. The person you resent may be as sick as you were when you were actively addicted. Their actions may be a symptom of their own illness, their own separation from spirituality. Try to have compassion for this person, just as you expect compassion from others while you work to make amends for past wrongs. Try to forgive the person you resent. By forgiving others, you can forgive yourself for wrongs you did when you were actively addicted.

Recovery Action steps

1. Make a list of people toward whom you feel resentful. Write down the action or lack of action that you resent.
2. Think about how this resentment is harming you. Is it inhibiting your relationships and trust in others? Is it causing you to communicate from a place of rage? Is it keeping you from taking risks or pursuing goals in your personal life? Is it affecting your relationships with others?
3. Write down ways that you could let go of this resentment. You could choose to forgive these people, or you could choose simply to meditate and pray to let go of the feelings of anger and revenge because they serve no purpose. The past is in the past—can you let it stay there and move on to a free, peaceful future?

Talk about your answers with your sponsor or recovery group.

How can you practice forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a gift to yourself, to free you from the past. You don’t have to forgive anyone. It’s only right when it’s something you want to do. Being friends again is not always the goal of forgiveness—it’s possible to forgive without becoming friends. Sometimes the best you can do is to let go of hatred and rage so you can move forward with your life.

Once you have made the choice to forgive, take action. Sometimes you can change your actions before you change the way you think. AA calls this “acting as if.” This means you can choose to act as if you have already forgiven the person, before that sentiment becomes real for you in your heart.

To begin to forgive, you have to start somewhere. If you have resentment toward your spouse or partner, think about how you would treat him or her if you didn’t have resentment. Would you do romantic or kind things—cook dinner, surprise him or her with a clean house, prepare an unexpected picnic—if you didn’t have unresolved anger?

Picture the person toward whom you feel resentful. Now picture that person receiving a blessing in his or her life. When you no longer feel upset, angry, or jealous that that person is receiving a blessing, then you have moved toward forgiveness. When you feel truly happy for that person, then your forgiveness is complete.

It will be harder for you to let go of resentment if it is toward someone who abused you. Individuals who have experienced abuse (sexual, physical, or emotional) can often feel betrayed and abandoned. This can result in long-term resentment, rage, and fear.

How can you deal with resentment from abuse?

Because abuse can cause severe psychological, emotional, and sexual damage, anyone suffering from abuse should seek professional help. Self-help groups can be very helpful for survivors because they can let the survivors know that they are not alone, that there are others who share these experiences and feelings.