ORTC Articles

What is self-pity?

When we pity ourselves, we tend to dwell self-indulgently on our own sorrows or misfortunes. While you were in active addiction you may have felt so much guilt and shame that you disliked yourself. It’s natural that you harbor strong feelings of self-pity if you feel that addiction has stripped all the good things from your life. But now that you’re working on your ongoing recovery, you’ll need to learn to let go of the past and start working on rebuilding a positive life in the present. Working the Twelve Steps will help you regain sanity and embrace a new, healthy life that you can feel good about. In your new, sober life, gratitude will eventually replace self-pity.

How can you rid yourself of self-pity?

Relief from self-pity is one of the Twelve Promises of sobriety. The Twelve Promises describe the benefits you will gain if you work hard on the Twelve Steps. They describe the joys of living a healthy life of recovery—a joyous state that is the reward you will earn for ongoing abstinence and hard work.

The Fifth Promise says: Feelings of uselessness and self-pity disappear.

You may have heard the phrase “working a good program” in treatment
or in your Twelve Step group. What exactly does that mean? How do you know when you’re working a good program? You’ll know it by how you feel. When you feel centered because you aren’t acting out of ego and selfishness, when your interior life is steady, and when you can respond to daily living with maturity, you’ll feel that you’re working a good program.

If not dealt with, self-pity can become a trap that is very difficult to get out of. Success in the Twelve Step program is found when you deny your self-will and self-pity, and begin to focus on your Higher Power’s will and the needs of others.

What are some ways you can develop intimacy in relationships?

Honesty and sharing are essential in developing intimacy and meaningful relationships between couples (as well as friends and family). Whether you are married or in a domestic partnership, share with each other how you feel— upset, happy, anxious, and so forth—rather than hide your emotions. In a committed relationship, you should feel safe to express any fears you have about the relationship, or personal struggles you are dealing with. Both people must be willing to admit their own faults rather than pointing out the faults of their partner. Doing these things may seem scary at first, because they require vulnerability; however, these actions illustrate trust in each other.

Besides being open and honest with each other, learn to be a good listener. This will help your husband, wife, or partner feel comfortable sharing his or her feelings. This may mean developing tolerance so that you are willing to hear the other person’s point of view. It may also be necessary to compromise when disagreements arise. Couples can create opportunities to listen and share, such as going for walks or out to dinner.

If you have broken a partner’s trust in the past, you may need to illustrate with your actions that you have changed. For instance, you can show that you have changed by no longer drinking and using, by seeking counseling, and by making amends to others you have harmed. It may take time for trust to be restored, so be patient.

How does addiction affect intimacy?

Addiction can hinder the development of intimacy. One of the priorities of an addict is to conceal his or her actions, whether they involve drinking, sexual behaviors, or drug use. If you hide your addiction, you will only feel lonely, ashamed, and isolated, while your husband, wife, or significant other may feel betrayed or ignored. When you were in active addiction you likely found that your time was consumed with addictive behavior, leaving less time to spend with family and friends to develop meaningful relationships.

When you were in active addiction, alcohol and other drugs affected your judgment, causing you to act in ways that were not considerate of other people’s feelings or needs. As substance abusers, many people acquire inconsiderate habits and traits such as infidelity, chronic lateness or absence, and rude or harsh language, just to mention a few. These behaviors lead to lack of trust and integrity. Now that you are in recovery, you will need to be patient and work hard to regain that trust. The best thing you can do for yourself and for a present or future relationship is to work on yourself—to be the best you possible.

Is intimacy different than sex?

Intimacy is more than physical actions; it involves a feeling of connectedness and closeness. For two people to be intimate, they need to be honest and willing to share their emotions and thoughts with each other. Real intimacy requires getting to know someone deeply, including that person’s fears, inadequacies, and strengths. We can always have sexual relationships without such disclosure, but these types of relationships don’t allow us to contribute the best that we have to offer. They don’t let us face our fears of acceptance.

What does your brain have to do with addiction?

Research has shown that addiction is not a matter of an individual’s strength, moral character, willpower, or weakness. Instead it can be attributed to the way an individual’s brain is “wired.” Powerful, naturally occurring chemicals called neurotransmitters control our brain’s activities, carrying messages between neurons. When we use alcohol and/or drugs, our bloodstream quickly carries these intoxicating chemicals to our brain. In the brain, drugs set off complex chemical reactions and activities that can distort our sense of reality. This causes us to feel intoxicated or “high.” Some of us find this feeling pleasurable and worth repeating. Other people find getting high an unpleasant experience and, as a result, seldom use alcohol and other drugs.

How do drugs and alcohol damage your brain?

Research on the physiological effects of drugs and alcohol reveal a number of abnormalities in brain areas involved in behavior, such as the frontal and temporal lobes. Brain scans show that the most common similarity among substance abusers is the brain’s generally toxic appearance: it tends to be more shriveled, less active, and less healthy than a normal brain. While normal brain patterns show smooth activity across the cortical surface, substance- abused brains show a wavy, rough surface. This is similar to patterns of brain damage found in patients who have been exposed to toxic fumes or oxygen deprivation.

How do substances condition your brain’s pleasure center?

To understand addiction, we need to understand the brain’s pleasure center. Located in the limbic system, the pleasure center responds to enjoyable stimulation and learns to repeat it. Neurotransmitters, including endorphins and dopamine, activate the pleasure center. Alcohol and other drugs increase the activity of neurotransmitters, resulting in feelings of euphoria or a “high.”

When you first started using, you learned quickly that with drugs and/or alcohol, if a little is good, more must be better. As you continued using, your desire to repeat the pattern developed into a need to repeat the pattern. Your body was getting used to the presence of the substance. Eventually, your brain stopped producing neurotransmitters on its own and came to rely on the substance to produce “feel good” chemicals.

How does your body build up a tolerance to substances?

Substance-induced pleasurable feelings quickly wear off, leaving you feeling worse than before you started using. Without alcohol and/or drugs in your system, you feel lower than low. Your body is now chemically out of balance. As you begin to withdraw from the substance, you feel strong cravings to use. Your need to use is more powerful than your best intentions or will to quit.

Because you can’t quit, your use becomes progressively worse. As you build up a tolerance to the substance, you have to use more to get high. The substance is upsetting the normal endorphin levels in your brain.

Even if you briefly stop, you quickly end up using again, and now your life feels even more unmanageable than before you quit. It’s as if the disease kept progressing even though you had stopped using. Without drugs and/or alcohol in your system, dopamine levels in your brain are low. You feel flat, lifeless, and depressed. Without the substances, your life seems joyless. Now you need them just to feel “normal”—to bring your dopamine levels up to normal levels.

Eventually, your brain adapts to repeated chemical use and overrides your rational thought processes. The chemical use/reward sequence that leads to the euphoria in the pleasure center becomes “hardwired,” or imprinted, into your brain. Once this occurs, normal drinking and social drug use are impossible. You’ve crossed the line into addiction. You’re no longer able to control your use.

How does cross-addiction happen?

People with substance use disorders do not crave particular drugs, but rather they crave the euphoria that a substance produces. We each have a favorite “drug of choice,” but we’re not addicted to that substance itself—we’re addicted to the feeling of intoxication. This means that we can become easily addicted to any mood-altering chemical that gives us the feeling we’re looking for.

For example, if you’re addicted to meth, you might say, “I’m going to quit meth, and I’ll just have a few drinks instead.” This strategy will never work.

You will not be able to replace your meth use with controlled use of any other mood-altering chemical, such as alcohol. Alcohol use, or use of any other drug, will eventually take you back to meth use. Why? Because it’s what your brain is craving—an instant dopamine fix. The alcohol is just a teaser—a temporary substitute for what your brain really wants.

To recover from addiction you must stop using ALL mood-altering chemicals.

How can triggers cause a return to use?

The automatic recall of emotions and memories makes staying sober more difficult. You’ve probably heard a song on the radio that reminded you of your first date and brought back nostalgic memories of youth. The smell of fresh baked goods may trigger memories of Grandma’s house and of warmth and safety. These automatic triggers work the same way with drugs. Many alcoholics and drug addicts salivate when they see a chilled beer in a TV commercial, or have intense cravings while watching drug scenes in a movie.

Recovery Action step

What situations or people trigger using urges for you? Write your triggers down and discuss them with your sponsor and recovery group. Your sponsor can help you develop a plan to avoid the triggers that could cause you to return to use.

Can you think your way out of addiction?

Is the knowledge that you’re an addict or alcoholic enough to keep you from using? Absolutely not. Experience shows that the mere knowledge that we’re addicted will not stop us from drinking or drugging. The rational, thinking portion of our brains may tell us that we shouldn’t use these chemicals, but the automatic recall of memories and emotions, along with a brain that’s hardwired to seek drugs, will always override your best intentions.

As a person suffering from the disease of addiction, you can’t stop using, even when you are faced with losing everything: your job, your family, your life. This is because you can’t control the addicted way your mind and body react to drugs and/or alcohol. This is powerlessness. This is why Step One is so important to your recovery.

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.”

It’s not easy to accept that we are powerless. But it’s the first step to recovery. Once we accept our disease, we can then get down to the work of recovery.

What is a relapse?

People often think of a relapse as a tangible event, such as taking a drink or snorting cocaine. However, a relapse is actually a process of becoming unable to cope with life in sobriety. It begins with predictable and identifiable warning signs that start to snowball long before a return to use or collapse occurs. If you are aware of these warning signs, you’ll be able to get help before the relapse process can lead to a return to alcohol or other drug use.

Not all recovering people relapse. Some achieve permanent abstinence from their first serious attempt at recovery. Many others have a period of brief relapse episodes but eventually achieve long-term abstinence. Then still others will have chronic relapses that result in an eventual return to alcohol or other drug use.

What factors lead to a relapse?

Research has shown that immediate factors, such as putting yourself in high-risk situations, lacking coping skills, and “stinking thinking” (thinking you are powerful enough to control your use) all can lead to a relapse. Other factors may include lifestyle habits, urges, and cravings.

The truth is that you are especially susceptible to relapse in early recovery. Your stress levels are high as you go through intense emotional and physical changes. You have not had time to develop reliable coping skills for dealing with the emotional roller coaster of life, causing you to be easily overwhelmed. And your brain is still clouded by years of intoxication.

In addition, it’s easy to become complacent. You start to feel good about your abstinence from alcohol and other drugs. You may minimize the severity of your addiction and the effort needed to stay in recovery. Then you gradually forget that addiction is an illness that is hardwired into your brain. You start to believe that just because you know you can’t use, you will be able to make intelligent decisions about your use. Soon, however, you find that it doesn’t take much to push you back to using again. Because you think you have some control, you mistakenly put yourself at risk.

Why should you avoid high-risk situations?

Research has shown that, especially in early recovery, certain situations or events pose a direct threat to a person’s sense of control. Often these situations result in a relapse and an eventual return to use.

High-risk situations that all recovering people should be aware of and plan for include the following:

• negative emotional states, such as anger, anxiety, depression, frustrations, and boredom
• situations that involve conflict with another person or a group of people, such as arguments with friends, co-workers, or family members
• events with social pressure, such as being around others who are drinking or using
• positive emotional events, such as celebrations
• exposure to alcohol or other drug-related stimuli, including advertisements and driving by a bar
• a test of one’s “willpower” by attempting limited use of substances

How can you avoid a relapse?

Identify and plan for high-risk situations

It’s important for you to identify the high-risk situations that you may experience. Work with your sponsor to create a plan to deal with these situations. Your sponsor might want to interview you to find out about past relapses or episodes where you had difficulty coping with urges to drink or use.

Use coping strategies

Of course you can’t avoid all high-risk situations. It’s your response to the situation that determines whether you will experience a relapse. If you practice and execute coping strategies, such as leaving a “sticky” situation or engaging in positive self-talk, you are much less likely to relapse.

As you gain more and more experience successfully using coping strategies, you’ll gain more and more self-efficacy. This means that you’ll start to see yourself differently. You will see yourself as a confident being who is able to manage these situations powerfully and with intention.

Engage in straight talk

Research has shown that people who relapse often focus on the immediate positive benefits of drinking or using other drugs. When exposed to conflict or stress, you will find it easy to think of how these substances will help you deal with pain, anger, or guilt right now. Instead remember how far you have come in recovery and how powerful your life has become personally and spiritually. Remember the negative consequences of drinking or using. You could lose your family, friends, career, or children. Don’t let the idea of the instant gratification of alcohol or other drugs cause you to compromise all the things you want for your life. Call your sponsor immediately.

How can you deal with a relapse?

Don’t focus on failures

Just because you relapse doesn’t mean you should get down on yourself and consider your recovery a failure. A relapse doesn’t have to lead to a return to use or a life of chronic addiction. It isn’t the end of the world. Focusing on the negative will only cause you to feel guilt, blame, and resentment toward yourself, which is a surefire way to destroy the recovery you’ve built. If you relapse, look at it as a temporary setback. Allow yourself to be human and make mistakes, but get right back to your recovery by getting immediate help from your sponsor or recovery support group. These people will help you get back on track, back to an abundant, liberating life guided by your Higher Power. And if you need additional help from a treatment center or outpatient program, don’t hesitate to call.

Research shows that individuals who view their relapse as a serious mistake that can be turned around with a stronger recovery program and do not fall deep into shame are more likely to restart their sobriety and abstinence sooner.

You can survive a relapse without losing all the ground you’ve gained in your recovery. But remember to stay aware; a relapse is serious territory, so don’t get complacent. Stay away from triggers and high-risk situations, practice coping skills, and continue to work the Steps. These actions will help protect and strengthen your recovery.

Recovery action steps

1. Make a list of the high-risk situations most likely to trigger a relapse for you. These could include any person, place, feeling, or situation connected with using alcohol or other drugs. It could also include anything that causes you stress.
2. Pair each situation with a coping strategy.
3. When your list is finished, make plans to learn new skills, develop new ways of thinking, and take concrete steps to keep your life in balance.
4. Ask your sponsor or recovery support group for help and discuss your answers with them.

Write down a personal emergency relapse plan and give copies to your sponsor and family members or friends who support your recovery.

Be sure to include the following:

1. The people or places you can call for help (sponsor, supportive family members and friends, treatment center)
2. The places you can go for help (meetings, sponsor’s house, treatment center, physician’s office)
3. Thoughts that will motivate you to stop the relapse (loss of family, friends, career, health)
4. A “last resort” agreement. For example, if I am unwilling to follow this plan, I agree that I will (check into a treatment center, move out of the house, go to detox, etc.).

How can you deal with a return to use?

Regardless of your best intentions, some of you may return to use. If this happens, set aside any feelings of failure, immediately stop use, and get help from your sponsor or recovery support group. If you have been using for a while, you may need professional help for withdrawal. An unsupervised detoxification could be dangerous. You could experience seizures or hallucinations. Consult a reputable addiction treatment center for help. Never try to handle a relapse or return to use alone.